Meditation Day 1 (August 3, 2025)
I’ll admit this is a bit unusual. I’m in Budapest and I am NOT part of an organized week-long silent meditation retreat. Instead, I’m working virtually with my long-time meditation instructor, Micky, who has helped design this week-long meditation experience which I’ll be participating in virtually.
Twice a day, my teacher and I check in (once at 3pm and a second time at 9pm) and I share how it’s going for me, ask questions and together we refine my areas of focus to ensure I’m getting the most out of this experience and deeping my meditation practice.
The Schedule
The first part of this training started about a week ago when Micky and I aligned on a daily schedule. Having never done this before (virtually, anyway), I wasn’t sure what to include or leave out which is why Micky helped co-create it with me. The key is to have enough structure to stay in “the training zone.” Too little structure and little to no training happens. Too much structure can lead to overwhelm and that’s not good either. So here’s what we came up with:
6am - Wakeup, 45-min meditation + 15min break
7am - 1h meditation
8am - Personal hygiene, coffee, & breakfast
9am - 45+15 break
10am - Workout or Thai Massage
11am - 45+15
12pm - Lunch
1pm - 45+15
2pm - 1h med
3pm Call with Micky
4pm - 45+15
5pm - 1h med
6pm - Dinner
7pm - 45+15
8pm - 1h med
9pm Call with Micky
10pm Go to sleep
For someone who loves planning their day out, this schedule is likely a Godsend. For me, my training already begun as I noticed my resistance to such a schedule. Yes, this would ensure 8.5 hours of meditation each day, but whoa! Could I really keep to a schedule like this? Especially when my current daily practice is 25 to 30 minutes of meditation in the morning each day.
This would be exponentially more focused practice than I’ve ever done. The closest was a 3-day silent meditation weekend and it was clear that while a similar schedule existed, newbies like me were free to come and go throughout the day as we leaned into our individual practice.
Detailed Instructions
The formal instructions will change and evolve over the week depending on how I’m doing with the practice. Even the schedule can change depending on how I’m doing with it each day. The point of this practice is not boot camp nor is it meant to be overwhelming. The sole purpose is to deepen my practice and help me go to the next level of my meditation now that I’ve been consistently meditating for about a year. So here are the detailed instructions:
Do not generate any inner experience.
iNo thoughts.
iNo feelings.
No emotions.
No attitudes. (Except the attitude of Ease or Inner Peace, maybe)
Start seeing how our inner experience is not in our control. How much we’re not in control of what’s inside our brains. Try to not generate (have the intention to not generate) that includes not having the intention to “suffocate” what arises; don’t try to make them “stop.”
Allow the “why did that happen?” to arise; be okay that it’s arising on its own. I have no intention of generating a thought and yet here it is. See that this is not me. That this is just happening.
Intention to not have something. Not an intention to “push it back.” There is no trying here. If you’re trying, then step back and observe the trying. “I am …” even the trying is happening on its own.
Don’t do. Don’t try. Possibly be at ease. Recognize that this is a movie. Be present to this movie happening (here and now) – thoughts and feelings unfolding on its own. It has nothing to do with me. I did not choose that. I chose not to have anything. The skill is the disengagement of the contents.
The more interesting or appealing or important the contents are, the more the skill is not there. Find a way not to be interested. Observe like a scientist. Try to be like a movie goer – look at the screen while remembering that you’re sitting in the chair – watch the movie without being engaged with it. That is the difficulty.
First Half of Day 1 Progess Report
Before getting on a call with my teacher, he asked me to write down notes of my experience. What am I noticing?
Day 1: Sunday, August 3rd
So many thoughts. My awareness of my thoughts has shot up. The longer practice has me seeing just how many thoughts enter my mind including my own judgement on how I’m doing, how long I have left, etc. Mostly, I notice when I’ve been swept up into the movie of my thoughts. I remind myself and get back to presence. Repeat. Repeat. I’ve worked on bringing more ease to my practice as even the first 45-min session felt difficult, so I kept practicing ease – ways to make it feel easy. Do less. Do nothing. Just be.
Experiencing difficulty staying with the full one-hour session. Not even trying to develop the skills so much as “be in it” for the full hour. My attempts at making this easier did not work as well as in the 45-minute session. I keep coming out of my practice. I shifted position and laid down. This had me connect with ease and allowed me to start my practice … slowly and not feel overwhelmed and distracted.
What went well? I did it. I let go of my fear of full hour meditation. I found a way to make it work. I have set a benchmark and now can improve from here. I noticed my discomfort and found ways to bring ease into my practice. I noticed my overwhelm and slowed down too.
What didn’t go so well? I wonder how I might improve that? I felt very fidgety sitting upright. I experienced lots of distractions. Kept wanting to come out of my practice. I noticed all my discomforts and they pulled me out. To improve, I started laying down. That helped. It was easier. I was able to stay with my practice; not get overwhelmed. I can improve from here and will do so more today.
What have I learned? I have learned the art of the start. I got going. I did it. I’m in it. I’m allowing myself to just be. I’m not judging my practice. I’m a kid falling off his bike without the training wheels. I keep getting back up on my bike. I’m okay with this and will continue my practice. It will improve over time.
For my third meditation, I began fidgeting and “climbing the walls.” I began tapping my foot, making up my own music. I couldn’t seem to sit still. I was in reaction to my efforts to meditate. It’s like my body had a different idea and began doing things on its own. I continued to reset, but fascinated by my near inability to “Be Here Now.” Always considering “what’s next” or finding myself slipping into a thought. Time and time again. The music was an added dimension. This is where I am as I approach my 10am workout. I’ve decided to get a massage and see how that impacts my practice at 11am.
8/3 First Call (3pm) with Micky
1. Remove the expectation of perceived difficulty (it’s a kingpin of the practice)
Set Intention: “I’m not going to have expectations about this meditation practice.”
Ask: “What expectations might I have going into this skill development?” (Intent to surface any and all expectations before beginning my practice)
Accepting WHAT IS in my practice. Notice when I’m resisting WHAT IS. Is now something other than what I want?
Set an intention to remove any and all expectations
2. Seems like we are in control, but this simple exercise is showing us that we’re not
3. An expectation is part of this pattern; arises on its own, not aware of the expectations we set for ourselves – driving force of our behavior (and my suffering). If reality matched my expectations, there would be no suffering
Not accepting WHAT IS – opposite of Byron Katie LOVING What Is
4. Look for the expectations that arise as they happen. Ask, “Do I have any expectations?”
5. Don’t “own it” in the sense that you’re not doing anything. Thoughts are happening. Don’t take ownership if what I don’t control. Have an intention. It happens anyway. It’s happening on its own (not me). Separation from “me” and my identity. Sense of self. Allow my sense of self to change and ultimately dissolve.
“I’m cultivating skills here …” and there may be, but recognize and separate / notice what is it that you can’t own as you doing?
None of the thoughts happening are not your intention … same w expectations
6. Start slowly. Meditate again. When thoughts arise, view them as “I didn’t bring that.” No thoughts. No expectations. And yet all those thoughts are here.
See it. Notice it. Wow, this is happening regarding of my best intentions.
This is NOT from me. I did not choose this.
Habit of the mind is to “own” and “disown” stuff based on what feels good
7. Seek out the evidence that every thought showing up has nothing to do with me; against my intention.
8. Direct Observation: “I’m not the self I think I am. I’m not in control the way I think I am.”
I am the awareness observing the screen of the illusion of the filter of my life.
9. Mundane direct observation
10. Look to where the expectation is to “see it.” The question “What is your expectation?” triggers a mental experience that you can observe and then report. Making up a story of where it came from. The question triggers the forming of an expectation as if it wasn’t already there. See the ball on the floor – is this true? Was there an expectation BEFORE Micky asked the question? Maybe, maybe not. Habit of the mind to objectify.
11. Babies don’t objectify. See mom. Mom goes away … mom is GONE and no longer there. Babies can’t think, “Mom still exists, she’s just somewhere else.” Mind makes things fixed. Knowing is not a direct experience. Obsessed with objectifying things that are not objects … people, places, and things.
People always behave like themselves, but not the “object” or “thought” in Bill’s mind. We made up an object and the person doesn’t match the object.
Object of what the future is. The future is not that. We react and call it difficulty.
We forget we made it all up anyway.
12. Start seeing what is happening has nothing to do with me. “Wow, that’s what’s happening.” Active participation. When thoughts arise, don’t own it. Don’t own the difficulty or challenges. Experience them strongly. “I’m having difficulty.” Am I? Or is it just happening?
13. Do not develop the capacity to “self-deceive” – question, “Is this really coming from me? Or arising and passing away? Even arising. Dynamic process, not an object. Like an image on the screen.
14. A wave is a movement. Can’t “separate” the wave from the ocean. It’s a process. And you have attachment to agency. It’s not so. Big illusion. Sitting for 45 minutes seeing your not in control of your mind for a “highly functioning person.” Reality shows something different.
August 3, 2025 (Second Half of the Day) Next 4 hours of Meditation
Once finished with my call with Micky, I was able to go over the instructions and as I began my practice, I had a looping statement, “I am not my thoughts. My thoughts do not come from me.” And it stayed with me for a good chunk of the first 45-minute meditation. When that began to fade I was able to let go of any previous expectations and acknowledge that even my previous expectations were “not me.” That allowed me to go deeper in my practice. For the last 15 minutes, I laid down and really relaxed into the meditation – almost drifting to sleep, but never did. Just aware of the stillness of my mind more than previous.
In the second 1-hour session, I began with the same deep sense of calm. I felt like I was letting go and surrendering into the practice. I began to at least “accept” that this is happening. And that whatever was happening was “not me” so that I could observe. What took me out of it was a looming sense of “To Dos” that I felt like I was forgetting. I got up and wrote them down so that I could let go of those too. This helped me return to my practice and focus.
What went well? I began to let go of expectations and the sense that the thoughts were coming from me. While only an early entry point into direct observation, it was a step in the right direction. I also began to accept the practice “as is” without trying to change it or “do” anything.
What didn’t go so well? I wonder how I might improve that? There are still things that take me from my practice. The looming sense of forgetting things I’m supposed to do, for example. The bodily urges from drinking water, going to the bathroom, or discomfort that have me want to move or get out of my practice. To improve, I see the opportunity to observe without trying to change it. “These bodily urges are happening. This discomfort is happening. Etc.” without trying to change it.
What have I learned? When I deepen my practice, there is a sense of calm and peace that enter into the space. It’s not like taking a nap, but it has a similar quality of restfulness. Not trying to change anything and being on the look out for expectations so that I can let them go results in not having to do anything different from what is happening. That allows me to relax and let go of any illusion of control.
Second Call with Micky (8/3) Part 2
1. Drink water and go to the bathroom BEFORE meditation
Urge should be in the practice zone, not the overwhelm zone. Just notice the comfort vs. practice – playfully at ease to notice and observe. Careful not to push too hard, just attempt to minimize or eliminate over time.
2. Easy to work with itches. Don’t scratch the itch. Feel it. Notice it. Notice that it goes away on its own. Vs. neck or back pain – adjust. Itches don’t pose actual threats. Stay with an itch to see what happens if you don’t scratch it. Easier to work with an itch for unpleasantness
3. What is my relationship to my urges? How often do I act upon them? Am I okay with the urge and not try to change it? If I’m not trying to change it, there’s a sense of me in relation to that. Can you find the “ME” in it? Just a thought or another feeling / sensation. In general, keep looking at the relationships with “ME” and some experience. See that sense of self.
4. I am not the experience. I’m in relationship with the experience. What is the “I” related to the experience. What am I thinking / imagining? If I am the source / agent of my thoughts, then look and explore that. How can I see this more clearly experientially?
5. Micky acknowledges that he’s probably giving me too much – okay to keep doing what was discussed in the last call. These are just additional options.
6. Peacefulness that comes from “less is happening” – barely any thoughts (i.e. quiet) vs. not identifying with all the thoughts happening. Not identifying myself as the generator. Not attempting to control the thoughts. There is restfulness in that.
Don’t CHASE the slowdown of my thoughts and emotions / feelings – that creates an expectation (i.e. “the result I’m going for” as a false premise). AND it changes the technique / skill I’m after (i.e. “I need to slow down my thoughts”). Be aware of the distinctions of disidentified with anything to do with the experience.
Disidentify from “doing” it’s restful
“Doing” is not perceived as restful. Are you doing anything? Or is it just happening?
The attempt to “control” the experience to have fewer thoughts and feelings, while it can be helpful, it changes the focus of the practice and not what we’re after (In other words, don’t chase it; it will naturally ebb and flow).
7. Bring the mind back (gently) to relaxing my body. Don’t fight the thoughts. Falling asleep is happening when you fall into the content (normal). Start meditating can actually keep you awake as you avoid falling into thoughts.
8. Two kinds of skill improvement
a. Temporary – ebb and flow always happens. After a retreat, expectation is that the level of performance is “how it’s going to be” and that’s NOT how it’s going to be. Temporary skill is different.
b. Long-Term – developing myelin which is long-term improvement. The more you practice your skills, the more brain cells will start to partake in the skill. Skill grows as more brain real-estate engages. “Back to life” and those brain cells will also “go back to life” but not to the same level as before the retreat.
Myelin – same as “neurons that fire together, wire together”
Myelin is a fatty substance that acts as insulation around nerve fibers (axons), similar to the plastic coating on electrical wires. This insulation is crucial for efficient and rapid transmission of electrical signals (nerve impulses) along the nerve fibers. Myelin allows nerve signals to travel quickly and effectively, maintaining their strength as they travel.
Myelination in the Brain
1. Myelination begins early in fetal development, around the third trimester, and continues throughout infancy, childhood, adolescence, and even into early adulthood.
2. The most rapid period of myelination occurs in the first two years of life, coinciding with significant advancements in cognitive and motor skills like language comprehension, speech, crawling, and walking.
3. Different brain regions myelinate at different times, with some areas, like the cerebral cortex, continuing to add myelin sheaths throughout life.
Factors Influencing Myelin Growth
1. Axonal Size: Axons larger than 1-2 μm in diameter typically become myelinated.
2. Activity: Neural activity and learning new skills can promote myelin growth.
3. Nutrition: A healthy diet, rich in DHA, B vitamins, and choline, may support myelin formation.
4. Sleep: Adequate sleep is also important for myelin growth and repair.
5. Other Factors: Physical activity, sunlight exposure, and even exposure to electrical fields can influence myelination.
Importance of Myelin Growth
1. Faster Nerve Signaling:
2. Myelin allows for rapid and efficient transmission of nerve impulses, which is essential for all brain functions.
3. Improved Cognitive Function:
4. Myelination plays a crucial role in learning, memory, attention, and other cognitive abilities.
Motor Skill Development:
1. Myelin is essential for the development of motor skills, such as walking, running, and fine motor coordination.
Brain Plasticity:
1. Myelin growth is a key component of brain plasticity, which is the brain's ability to adapt and change throughout life.
Disease and Disorders:
1. Dysregulation of myelination can contribute to various neurological disorders and diseases.
9. Whenever I train what I’m actually doing is intentionally generating more myelin between my brain cells to have a discernable effect. (And why old habits are so hard to break). Which OTHER neurons will I fire WITH the old habits to change them over time).
Summary
Good first day of practice. Started off in near overwhelm. Switched the focus to “ease” in order to make the practice sustainable. Saw that what was making my practice “difficult” was my own expectations. This helped me shift my focus to as Byron Katie would say, “accepting what is” without trying to change it. That helped me move towards “Loving What Is” and deepening my practice. This will make it more sustainable in the days that come.
